No pictures today...

Today it's just me, talking, trying to figure out how it all is supposed to fit together.

Sometimes, things happen and we can't figure out why. And you think you've just about worked through them, just about made it ok in your head. And then, out of no where, you're slammed right back into the situation and you feel like crawling up in a little ball and crying because it hurts nearly as much as it did the first day... week... or month. It's been over two years. And yet today it hurts as much as it did those first few weeks. All because yesterday someone poked the scab and it was all I could do to make it through the rest of the day.

I graduated in a class of 8 students. We'd all been together for 2 years, doing everything together. We had our little 2 and 3's within the group who were closer than others, but we all looked out for each other. We all went on class trips together, had classes together, most of us went to the same college for the first year. And then we all started drifting apart. Our parents would keep us up to date on the ones who were far away. And we always said, this will be the year that we get everyone back together. 3 of us are married now. We have 2 college graduates, and 1 or 2 graduate this year. And 2 years ago one of us committed suicide. It was March 31, we got the call April 1st. We all thought it was some demented April fools day joke and we spent the day calling each other, trying to figure out if it was true. Within the week, all but 2 of us were back together in our little church beside the school. Trying to figure out how we'd let him get so lost. And we talked and remembered and laughed and cried. And then we moved on. We kept living our lives because that's what you do. And sometimes a song would come on the radio and I'd be floored, immediately crying and hurting again. But it's faded with time. I thought I was ok. I really did.

Yesterday I had a customer call in who's son had tried to commit suicide a month ago. And the pain in her voice... It was like being told again that he is gone. And all I want to do today is curl up in bed and cry and remember him. But I can't. I have to pull it together and go to work. Because it's been over 2 years and I should be ok by now. A part of me still wants to believe that it's a really elaborate joke. But I know it's not. And that really completely sucks. I don't understand. I don't know if I ever will.

But I hope our love gets through to him, in some way. Because we all miss him... So much. And today it's just a little harder than most to put him away.

It's spring

And I'm sick. I spent all day friday coughing. About half of yesterday coughing. I've only coughed a couple of times today, but that's because I don't think my abs have enough strength left to make me cough. As long as I sit still and don't talk to laugh or move, I don't cough. Unfortunatly, my job is talking all day long (hence, I took Friday off). And the house kind of looks like it hasn't been cleaned in a month (even though I did it last weekend). And there's very little food in the house. And the bathtub appears to be a science experiment on different kinds of soap scum (we ran out of daily shower cleaner 3 weeks ago and I can't seem to remember to refill it). But the cleaners make me cough on a good day... I may have to make the husband clean that today. I said I would definitely take care of it this weekend, but I'm pretty sure I physically can't.

The pretty pictures are so that this post isn't all whine. I hate not feeling well. I normally only get sick once or twice a year and this is the second time in 6 weeks that I've felt like a train wreck. I know my immune system will get used to the recycled air eventually, but for the time being, I'm picking up everything that goes through the building. And it kinda sucks. It's gorgeous outside and I wanted to enjoy it, to get the irrigation laid in my garden, air out the house, clean, cook, bake. Instead, I'm staring at my computer screen, wishing I could breathe without feeling like I need to cough. But it is spring. Completely and totally spring. Everything is in bloom and it's beautiful. It's finally warming up. I need to switch out the closet next weekend or the weekend after. It's just plain wonderful out (if you ignore the wind).

So I'm going to stop complaining, pull myself together enough to get to Andy's Market, and leave you with the pretty pictures. I have been knitting a bit again. I'll report back on that when I feel a little more alive and a little less like a walking cough.